First, get some background on the cousins....
I have no desire to have my arms pulled out, which is what will happen if the cousins find out I’m telling stories about them. The stories are true, except I have changed the names and the places to protect me. I should be safe unless somebody tells them, because Elroy and Reggie only use the Internet for one thing, and it’s not reading. Read more »
One autumn evening after school Elroy showed up at our house with a load of wood. He was driving a large panel truck (like a big moving truck). My brother Mike and I helped him unload it in front of the shed. We threw the logs out into a big mound, which we would be neatly stacked in the shed before it snowed. We didn’t primarily heat with wood, but we did use a few cords keeping the living room stove warm (and the room nice and toasty).
I was still in my cross-country running uniform, because we had a meet that afternoon. I was pretty proud of myself, placing tenth in the meet. I had a friend from the team with me, Mark (not his real name). Elroy came back in the house for a drink. Elroy, Mark, Mike and I sat in the living room drinking lemonade.
“That tank top actually makes you look like you have some muscles,” Elroy said. “Maybe you’ve gotten stronger. Why don’t we arm wrestle so we can see?” Read more »
I’m guessing that every squad car in their town has a picture of the cousins, their street address and instructions to call for backup before approaching. This story is about a fight at the town’s burger joint. [I’ve intentionally omitted the name because I don’t want this nation wide chain finding some reason to send me a ‘cease and desist’. I also don’t want to get the night manager fired.] It is one of the stories that came to my attention thanks to the “day in court” section of the paper [I check it daily]. In these instances, I do not get the courtesy call from my brother to ‘check in on a cousin’. Read more »
Fortunately, I’m not around for all the “episodes” that become cousin stories. Two other normal cousins witnessed this cousin story. [I don’t write these stories without independent verification from another trusted source].
When the cousins were still teenagers they decided to start a side business selling topsoil from the family farm. They started by using the little family tractor and a snowplow blade to scrape a layer off the surface of the field and then used the backhoe attachment on the tractor to load the dump truck. The truck belonged to a friend of theirs who was their ‘shipping partner’. After a weekend of moving topsoil this way and only getting two truckloads they came to the conclusion that they needed something bigger. Read more »
It’s an odd thing for me to get asked to help the cousins with physical labor. I may get invited along so that they have an audience to impress or maybe just so they have someone to pick on, but not for help. However, one fall afternoon I was asked to come help Elroy at his new house.
There are different types of redneck. One type accumulates broken things and stores them everywhere; cars, washers, dryers, motorcycles, metal fences, vacuum cleaners, bed frames, tables, steam radiators… Basically anything that is mostly metal and too big to fit in the trunk of your car. If it fits in the trunk of your car, you simply dump it on some back road and make it someone else’s problem. Read more »
[You might want to read this first]
“You ever had a day where you feel like you’ve been fightin’ a bear with a buggy whip?” I knew who it was right away from the twang in his voice.
“No Elroy, but I’d bet on you,” I said.
“Appreciate that,” he paused for a minute to think about it, “That might be a fair fight with a black bear. Anyway – that ain’t why I called.”
“I woke up this morning to the smell of shit everywhere. The septic system was backed up. It was bubblin’ up everywhere. It was coming out of the bathtub, toilets, sinks… everywhere. Brown water so nasty it was steamin’. Almost enough to make even me gag.” Read more »